With the port of Stubbs The Zombie re-releasing today, I thought I would take a look at the woeful collector’s edition you can buy if you’re brain dead. The game re-releasing in and of itself I can understand people getting excited about, if they had played the original and enjoyed it – but to charge this extortionate amount of money ($149 to be precise) for a load of garbage tacked on to a port of an old game is just ludicrous. Let’s just say I pity the person that spends their hard earned cash on this.
Buying this would be a grave mistake
Let’s see what you get for the grand spanking total of $149 – for a lazy cash grab of a port, not even a remaster!
• An amazingly detailed 9″ bust of Stubb’s head, with a rose romantically dangling out of his mouth. At 9″ big, you can simulate the feeling of giving brain to well endowed Aspyr Media as they laugh at your spending decisions, and their way to the bank. If you’re honestly thinking of buying this you may as well buy a bust of your head and the CEO of Aspyr medias cock in your mouth instead.
• A ‘special’ coloured vinyl – probably the only thing here that would be nice to have if you’re a fan, at least they didn’t go with a digital download of the soundtrack.
• A zippo lighter with Stubbs The Zombie branded on it, if someone asked me at a party if I had a lighter and that was in my pocket, I would probably just say no. Better than explaining how I forked out $149 and this was the only useful thing I got. Rest easy in the knowledge that a zombie is helping you get one step closer to cancer!
• A cool enamel pin set, which looks like three pins of Stubb’s head, arm and leg, so you can show your affinity to Stubbs out and about, look at you with those zombie pins in your backpack xD
• A brochure of the in game city, which honestly I can’t say a bad thing about – other than this is something that should come with the base game. Who remembers game manuals, peering behind them and finding a map of the game world or a poster, how good they smelled!
• A ‘Gut Grenade’ plush, ’cause who doesn’t want a pillow of a stomach on their sofa or bed? Would probably make a nice chew toy for a pet dog.
• And last but not least some posters, and these even look like they’ve copied scenes/ designs from other well known zombie series or films. They couldn’t even be original for $149, isn’t that great?
‘Honey? what’s this recent $149 dollars charged to our account?’
‘Ah babe don’t worry, it’s this cool zombie head we can put on our fireplace next to grandads ashes, and a lighter so we can join him quicker than expected.’
Please, use your braaaaaains
Remember this is not even a remaster, if they had done a great job like the recent Destroy All Humans remaster then I think we as consumers could let it slide. Black Forest Games have set a great example of what a re-release of a title should be like, as did Bluepoint games with Demons Soul’s. This isn’t a dig at the developers, as they can only do what publishers allow and what budget they are assigned – but the audacity to charge the price they are for this package is crazy.
The thing that miffs me the most about the Stubbs port is that you have to pay for it in the first place. In this day and age we’re seeing old games being ported to the next generation for free due to backwards compatibility capabilities, simply put the disc you already own in your console and play to your heart’s content. Rightly so, this is how it should be. Or if you don’t actually own it, you can opt to buy the original digitally for what is often a very cheap and affordable price.
One other recent example of a cheap and lazy port is (sorry Kane) Nintendo’s own Super Mario 3D All-Stars, how disappointing is that? Simple emulations of the original games with upscaled resolution charged at full price, quite the joke. You can emulate the same games on a 10 year old dilapidated laptop and guess what, that’s free. They really missed a trick by not overhauling them with a complete visual remaster. You can keep the gameplay the same, as that’s what everyone really loves – but imagine Mario 64 with modern day Mario graphics and polish at 1080p. That would have really justified the full price it is retailed at. Imagine if the reports are true of a 4K capable Nintendo Switch, when all they do is port old games anyway 😬.
The ‘Collector’s edition’ in general
Not only is a collector’s edition sold at an extortionately higher price than it cost the company to outsource to produce (by some kid in china), the mindset that people have to want a piece of plastic junk on their mantel that’ll just get thrown in the trash by a relative when they die baffles me. You open it, get that rush of serotonin from buying a new ‘cool’ thing, put it to the side and then never look at it again. That could be said for any material possession you own or want to own really, so I guess you do you I’m not here to piss on your cornflakes. Decorate your home however you want, I understand some people feel the need to make a house feel more like a home. But ask yourself this, what do you actually get from having a whole room overflowing with pop vinyl bobble heads and other miscellaneous branded plastic? There’s nothing wrong with a plain white wall guys, or a plant. The only thing you’re doing is lining the pockets of people that don’t actually care about you, and most of the time the people putting in the work to make the games you love won’t see a penny of what you spent – it would all go to the big cats up top.
I realise this sounds like I’m preaching, or coming across as condescending, sorry, but I’ve made the mistake of buying a collector’s edition before. Back with all the hype for Fallout 4 and how we all thought it was gonna be the best thing since sliced Radroach meat I made the mistake of purchasing the pip-boy edition. I did this even with the knowledge that my phone wouldn’t fit in it due to being too big. It ended up just staying in the vault-tec box under my bed so that was nice. It was a great idea, along with the companion app on your phone being linked to the pip-boy you could wear it on your arm and use it like you would in game. Remember the flak Bethesda received for the collector’s edition of Fallout 76 though? That premium quality nylon bag…
In summary I think that it is absolutely shameless that companies think they can release cheap tat to people simply because they can. I think we would all be better off if we stopped to ask ourselves “Do I really need this?” when purchasing something, we’d save money and reduce clutter – the world’s already filled up with enough cheap plastic garbage, we don’t need more. Can you honestly say you’ve ever seen a collector’s edition and thought ‘that is going to improve my quality of life!’. I think I can answer that for you – a big fat resounding no.
Thanks for reading through my ramblings, I saw the Stubbs collection of crap and felt a little nub of rage chubbing up inside and wanted to vent. Now go pray to the shrine of gaming detritus I know you have in your living room and have a nice day!